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| Report: | [Match report by Tim E]
There was romance in the air tonight as the students descended on Cowbridge. Roses are red, violets are blue, squash is life, prepare for Cowbridge vs Uni 2.
Al "The Love Walrus" only had eyes for Yuji "love at first squash" Westmacott. A match made in heaven the two tussled for the ball. Yuji slipping and sliding around the place like a guinea pig on heat. It was too much for the Walrus as he conceded defeat. Sinking his teeth into a pack of Mr Porky's finest pork scratchings was as close as he would get tonight.
Next on court. Dan "cop a feel" Patterson, sporting a great head of hair for a mature man was bursting with desire. A desire to show his opponent he still had it. While Ruben "passion" Mather grabbed a point for his team it wasn’t enough as Dan took control. Like a 50 year old virgin in a brothel he got the job done. Maybe he's born with it.
Tim "the love doctor" Elvidge took Luca "the ice whisperer" off to court one for a date to remember. Or what he thought. The love doctor hoping the date would be more than just a quickie. The Ice Whisperer had other ideas. Like an STI he was unshakable. As fast as an artic ice shelf in the 2050's Tim's heart was shattered.
Si "The sexy silver fox" met Josh "51% Penetration" Audsley in the 4th. Like a low sperm count Josh being used to failure still showed tonight that all it takes is one. Si tried to take control in the 2nd but like an inhospitable womb couldn’t embrace his opponent long enough to capitalise.
The big one. Chris "didn’t get the memo and dressed as Phil Mitchel at a Halloween party" Davies invited James "Horny" Horley onto court for a night of passion…and squash. Already injured from Cupid’s arrow Horley seemed sluggish on court after admitting to staying up all night watching all 8 Harry Potter films back to back. To be fair. Chris could only dream of that stamina. Mischief managed.
Did he win? Who knows. Who cares. All you need is love... pints and scampi and chips but easy on the truffle oil. |
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| Author: | Dan Patterson |
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